We hear the term "toxic people" being mentioned so often. And everyone around us keep telling us to let these people go. Most of the time, these are the same people we may consider our closest friends, which increases the burden and unwillingness to let them go. They are our friends, they love us. Why should we let them go?
As you continue to read, I hope that your heart may be receptive enough to identify when it's time to let go of such people.
1. When they are against us
There are two type of people in this world: those who builds us and those who destroys us. Toxic people are the ones who destroy us, whether they do it consciously or not. The following are several characteristics you may find in toxic people.
"People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God—having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people."
- 2 Timothy 3:2-5
We live in a world where insecurities and low self esteem tend to attack us. These are all battles happening in the mind, which becomes even harder for us to fight against. This is why we need people who can fight WITH us, and not AGAINST us.
If there is anyone who has contributed to your feelings of inferiority; that you are worthless, that you are unimportant, maybe they ignore you a lot, or they talk about you behind your back... Basically, any action that made you feel more negative and sorry for yourself, then stop. Time for a check up. A friend is not supposed to make you feel this way. If you care for someone, you'd want the best for them, not the worst.
A good relationship looks at its quality, and not at the quantity of years. How many times have you seen a couple in a bad relationship who refuse to break up because "we've been together for ten years, so it's a waste if we break up now." It doesn't matter if you have been childhood friends, been besties for a decade, or were high school sweethearts—people change. If that same person makes you feel like you are worth nothing, then let go. Don't pity the duration of the relationship, pity yourself for being treated that way.
2. When they refuse to change
God continously tells us to go and make disciples of the nation, to spread His name so everyone will know about Him. Sometimes we think, the longer we stay with the toxic people, the more we can help them repent. So by not letting go of them, we are not giving up on them! :D
Well, I had a friend who was a nice person in general. But slowly, I began to see her manipulative side. She continuously asked me for favors even though I may emotionally and mentally suffer from it. And despite telling her about it, she guilt trips me about not caring for her if I don't help. Everyone around me told me to cut this person off, but I kept trying, thinking she might change some day. Maybe tomorrow? Maybe the next week? Or next month? But nearly three years went by, and she still refused to change.
That's when I knew she was no longer my mission. God tells us to make disciples, yes, but He also tells us to be wise in using our council.
"Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”"
- 1 Conrinthians 15:33
If we're not careful enough, instead of pulling them back to the right path, they might be the ones pulling us down the wrong path. Even if we can't help them correct their mistakes, that's okay. At least we did our part. If they are unwilling to change, that is no longer our responsibility. It now becomes a matter between them and God. In the end, the only one who can change their heart is God, not us.
3. When they spread toxic
Toxic people spread toxic, duh. Toxic can be defined as "anything containing poisonous material capable of causing sickness or even death." It can refer to spiritual or mental death. Basically, toxic is the exact opposite of the fruit of the Spirit mentioned in the Bible.
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."
- Galatians 5:22-23
When we interact with people, there are some people who... uhm... requires extra grace. They are annoying to the extent we may become impatient, get angry, or start badmouthing them behind their back. Before we know it, we are spreading toxic ourselves. Because toxic is contagious.
Any person who takes us further away from the characters of God (or the fruit of the Spirit) should be pushed out of our life. You may think, maybe this is merely a test of patience? Maybe their ill character is for our own good? Well...
"He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful."
- John 15:2
In the end, you are the one who knows the significance of that person in our life. Are they stopping you from being a blessing to others, or are they helping you shine more? Are they helping you grow your character into something better, or are they worsening it? If they are a practice of good character, then allow them to prune you into a better person. If they only bring feelings of negativity, then cut them off.
4. When we forget to love ourself
The Bible tells us many times to treat your neighbor as if they were God. Give them food, clothes, shelter, etc. There is nothing wrong with this. But, there may be several people who will take advantage of your kindness. They may ask for small of big favors, ask to borrow some money, ask you to do something, and when we refuse, they will start a train of accusations. "I thought you were my friend. I thought you were kind. I thought you were a Christian. Christians should be giving!" So because we are good Christians, we should help them... Right?
Wrong.
"The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”"
- Mark 12:31
This is a very famous verse we have heard being quoted way too many times, but it's time to realign our perspective with God's. Do you notice that it tells us to "love your neighbors as yourself" instead of "love yourself as you love your neighbor"? There is a difference between the two. By saying we need to love others the way we love ourselves, the way we love ourself has become the benchmark on the way we should love others. You can't love other people if you don't love yourself first. Because our self love has become the new guideline. God is number one, second is your own self, and third is others.
Now, when you let others take advantage of you, let them trample over you, let them hurt you and make you feel so little about yourself... Are you really loving yourself? Is that really how you want to love others? (If you say yes, please think about your future child and whether or not you'd want her/him to be trampled on in that same manner).
Again, you need to be wise. Just because you let them go doesn't mean you rejected them, or that you love them any less. It simply may mean that you are on a journey to rekindle your love towards your own worth.
5. When holding on is more painful than letting go.
Imagine a storm in the middle of the night while you are on a small wooden boat in the middle of the sea. Thunders are rolling, rain is pouring, the waves are crying, and the boat is wildly rocking back and forth. Out of good conscience, you hold on to the rope that controls the sail. You exert all your might to steer it into the right direction, even though you are exhausted. The captain tells you to let go, but you refuse. You insist this is the right thing to do. So you keep holding on, even though you're tired. You're hurting. And when you look down to your hands, you see blood dripping and skin tearing. In the end, you can't take it anymore and finally decide to release the rope. That is the moment when you feel a tremendous sense of relief. You are finally free. In the end, the boat didn't sink or flip over. Nothing happened. And even when the storm stopped, you are still safe.
Sometimes we like to dramatize or exaggerate our situation than what it really is. By not letting go, we think everything will be better. But afterwards, we see how wrong we were. We didn't suffer a big loss. Instead, we hurt less, we're not tired, and our hands aren't bleeding. We realize then, that holding on was more painful instead.
It's time to reimagine your relationships. Is there anyone in your life who is hurting you? Who is a bad influence? Who is preventing you from loving yourself? If there is, maybe it's time to let go of them, as harsh and difficult as it may be. And don't worry. When you let go of people, God will allow new people to walk into your life who can form healthier and better relationships with you to make up for the ones you lost. (Though really, it isn't your loss).
Keep the ones worth keeping, and let go of the poisonous ones. Only that way can you keep improving yourself into a better person.
No comments:
Post a Comment